It is 2:00 AM as I write this, while laying in bed. I have come to the conclusion that I have looked at most of my life from inside myself.
I think it is cumbersome for someone like me to explain, but most of my life, I have observed things like they were a TV show. I think that’s unsurprising because I watched a lot of cartoon as a kid! I do not know for certain though.
In my younger years, I was quite perceptive of my environment. The smells, the visuals, the bursts of feelings, all were very well alive inside me. But with time I started living inside my head, only observing as a passing observer.
Is it normal for feelings to dampen as we grow? I think many incidents in my lifetime too have shaped me. You won’t know me completely until you have been me for all these years. Frankly, I myself have seen various ‘me’s playing their parts and leaving over the yeara.
When it comes to other people, I fail to understand them many a times. I use the word ‘understand’ in the context of getting to know their self. Something like a signature of their person of sorts. Not thinking beyond things that were of immediate value to me must have played a good part, I guess.
I also have been unforgivably pessimistic and anxious for the last few years. Though anxiety and pessimism have their own benefits, I have seldom known the benefits of being carefree.
Amongst all this chaos inside, I let pass an unignorable amount of moments taking place in front of me. I think I never knew how to fully experience them. A lot of moments were comparable to a muted-sounding background orchestra in my dreams.
I recently started devouring a book. I say devouring because I had read a large portion of it till now, but recently did I start hunting for the next sentence, famished. Knowing (or rather experiencing) another person through pages has opened my mind to dormant experiences.
I have made a quite foolish decision to stay optimistic no matter what. My explanation is quite simple (and most probably flawed): there is no reason not to. Even if there were such a reason. I think I have overcomplicated most of my thought-process through analysis.
I will try my best to truly feel the wet mud the next time I smell it.
Until we turn another page in life!